Should We Try to Change Our Parents—Even When It Seems They Can’t?

It’s one of those quiet questions that sits at the edge of your relationships: What do I do when I’ve grown, but they haven’t? Or more specifically, Should I keep trying to get my parents to see things differently, even when it feels like I’m hitting a wall?

Maybe it’s about their worldview. Their tone. Their inability to apologize. Maybe it’s their politics, or how they talk about mental health, or how they dismiss things that genuinely hurt you. Whatever the specifics are, the feeling is familiar: you’ve changed—but they haven’t. And trying to bridge that gap feels exhausting, sometimes even hopeless.

So what’s the answer? Should you try to change them?

It depends—but probably not in the way you think.

First: It’s Okay to Want Them to Change

Let’s just say this out loud: wanting your parents to grow, evolve, or even see you more clearly doesn’t make you ungrateful. It makes you human.

We all want to be understood by the people who raised us. We want repair, recognition, maybe even a redo on the parts that still ache. So no—there’s nothing wrong with that longing. The danger is in thinking it’s entirely yours to fix.

Because when love starts to feel like a personal development project, things get murky. And painful.

The Limits of Influence (Especially With Family)

Here’s the hard truth: people change when they’re ready—not when we’re frustrated enough.

You can offer new perspectives, model different behavior, set boundaries, and plant seeds. But you can’t force someone to grow who’s still clinging to the safety of sameness. Especially when that sameness has served them for decades.

And with parents? There’s often a generational shield around their beliefs. Certain ideas are so baked into their identity—about parenting, gender, success, emotions—that challenging them can feel, to them, like disrespect. Even if you’re calm. Even if you’re right.

That doesn’t mean you stop hoping. But it might mean you stop arguing.

What Change Might Actually Look Like

It’s easy to imagine “change” as this big cinematic moment—an apology, a breakthrough, a heartfelt confession that they finally see your side. And while that does happen sometimes, more often, it’s subtle.

Maybe it’s your mom not brushing off your feelings like she used to. Maybe it’s your dad sitting through a tough conversation without shutting down. Maybe it’s a pause, a softening, a question asked that they never would’ve asked before.

Those moments matter. But they might not come on your timeline.

So What Can You Do?

You can lead by example. Not in a moral superiority kind of way, but with quiet integrity. Set your boundaries. Speak your truth kindly but firmly. Show them—consistently—what it looks like to be emotionally aware, accountable, and open. Not for their validation, but because that’s the kind of person you’ve decided to be.

You can shift the dynamic, even if you can’t change them.

Sometimes, what breaks the cycle isn’t fixing them—it’s refusing to reenact the same patterns. It’s choosing to grow differently. Speak differently. Love differently.

That’s no small thing.

And Yes, You Can Grieve What Might Never Change

Here’s the part people don’t talk about enough: sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is grieve the version of the relationship you wish you had.

Grieve the softness they never learned to show. The understanding they couldn’t offer. The safety you needed but didn’t get. That grief doesn’t mean you’ve given up. It means you’re telling the truth. And from that truth, real clarity can grow—about how much energy to give, how much to expect, and how to protect your peace.

You Don’t Have to Carry It All

Trying to change someone who won’t change is a heavy thing to hold. It can become a lifelong tug-of-war that leaves you tired and unseen.

So no, it’s not your job to change your parents.

But it is okay to want more.

It is okay to ask for better.

And it’s more than okay to build the kind of emotional life they maybe never had the tools to offer you.

Your growth doesn’t have to depend on theirs.

But sometimes, just sometimes, it will quietly inspire it.

And even if it doesn’t—you still get to be free.